1.) Don’t cramp or invade my personal space!
At the Riddick screening a few weeks back, an Asian college student sat behind me. And as soon as the movie started, he took off his black Converses and put his funky feet on the seat next to me. His feet were almost in my mouth. I turned around and sternly told him that he had to either put his feet on the floor or find a different seat. There are 450 seats in the IMAX theatre and he wants to put his nasty feet in my weave. UGH
Also, don’t sit right next to me and there are 10 million other seats to choose from. You’re basically sitting on my lap without my permission. Sometimes, I go to the movies to be by myself. I don’t want to be on a forced blind date because you like to get cozy with strangers. If the movie theatre is not packed, please follow the 1-Seat Respect Rule!
2.) Find a baby sitter!
Please don’t bring your 6 month old baby to the movies, especially if the movie is Rated R. You keep getting up to change the baby’s diaper. The toddler is running all up and down the handicap aisle, knocking over everyone’s snacks. The baby starts crying or yelling gibberish. It’s just not ok!
I’m a dedicated mommy. And with that responsibility, I know that there are some movies that my little ones can NOT see. As a result, I have to find an appropriate caregiver to watch them while I go to the movies. Children are a distraction and a complete hindrance to the rest of the audience trying to enjoy the movie.
3.) Close your mouth when you are eating your butter infested popcorn!
There are already so many elements like natural sound, cell phone ringing, and finger tapping, that I do not want to hear you eating. The sound of people gnawing at their overpriced chicken tenders makes my stomach hurt. And the edible soundtrack doesn’t stop there. The same person who usually can’t eat with their mouth close is the same person who slurps on their 40 oz. Diet Coke all night. The additional sound effects make for a disastrous movie experience.
4.) Don’t keep getting up!
Do you have a bladder infection? Are they giving out free samples in the hallway? Why do you keep getting up? There aren’t enough “excuse me” gestures in the world to validate someone who keeps getting up during a movie. It’s annoying because I have to break my concentration as you gallop back and forth in front of the screen. Go to the bathroom, grab your snacks, and turn off your phone before you start watching a movie. It’s simple!
5.) Cut it out with the excessive talking!
Last night at the Pittsburgh premiere of Prisoners, I felt like everybody was talking. The movie theatre is NOT a call-and-respond activity and screaming at the big screen isn’t rational. You sit there, you remain silent and you enjoy the movie. We can have an open discussion once the movie is over but not after every scene. Yesterday, some man literally had a conversation with his friend during the entire movie.
If you follow the 5 rules above, I’m quite confident everybody will have a great time. Basically, just sit back, relax and enjoy the movie!
If you have any movie pet peeves, please feel free to comment below…
6) The gurgling cougher always sits behind, in front of, or beside me. If you are that sick, stay home! If your prescription must include seeing the latest horror film in the theater, quarantine yourself in a far off corner. Do not be selfish and infect everyone else by spewing your airborne toxins. If by some comedy of errors, we are forced to be near each other, COVER YOUR DISGUISTING MOUTH with the inside of your bent arm like a vampire.
6.5) While we are on the subject of germ spreading, can we not agree, as a modern society with a wealth of knowledge, to discontinue the custom of shaking hands? I do not desire to embrace your sweaty, nasty flu infested palm with mine. Where have your fingers been lately? Up your nose? In your ears? Wiping your butt? Other unmentionables? How about bodily fluids? I have seen too many men go directly from the urinal to the bathroom door. My favorite douchebag is the guy that goes over to the facet, turns it on, then runs his hands under it for a millisecond. Gee, you really fooled me. In addition, the fist bump is no suitable replacement either. Where is the first place someone wipes their runny nose – their knuckles! JUST SIMPLY STOP!
Furthermore, when I hear you cough, sneeze or blow your nose then you offer your firm handshake – I WILL REFUSE! I’ve done it many times already by taking the blame with a fabricated story of my own illness, “I’m sorry, I have a cold and do not want to spread my germs. So, I’m not going shake any hands.” If you are the worst type of scumbag and respond, “That’s okay, so do I; we can exchange germs” then grab my hand…well…you are about to discover all of the training I have done by watching every violent action and horror film over the last 30 years.
Sorry, what were we taking about again…